As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, like many survivors I was familiar with my abusers. They were loved ones, whom I trusted. That kind of betrayal of trust does not go away overnight. It requires substantial time for healing. At times it takes years to overcome, however most importantly it takes one to be aware of his/her behavior and to be intentional about changing. To identify the unhealthy responses and to make a conscious effort to change to lead a healthier life.
I recently had a revelation about an unhealthy habit. I experienced a great disappointment from a co-worker and friend, recently. As the steamed left my ears and I began to calm my nerves, my mind began to work. It was processing. Processing how much I felt disappointed and how I never wanted to feel this way again. My brain began to shuffle, as a deck of cards, looking, searching, trying to put the pieces of a puzzle together. As my brain shuffled, I caught myself and halted. I then realized what I was doing. I was searching for a way to guard my heart, to put a wall up, without my friend every realizing it.
As I reflected on my behavior, I realized that this was a routine that I consistently engaged in when I am deeply hurt. Although I knew her behavior, was not malicious I was adamant about trying to figure out a way to never be hurt that way again. What I realized is that if I want to live, I mean really live you cannot avoid all hurt. Hurt is a part of life. It makes you stronger, it builds character and makes you resilient. However, I realize that this behavior was the after effects of being betrayed by the one’s that you once trusted.
I am grateful that I was able to work through this moment. It made me realize that I have more work to do. As long as we live, we are always learning and growing on our journey. I encourage you take time to exam the behaviors in your life. Identify those unhealthy behaviors and take small steps to change them.
Until next month be blessed